Today is Kaylee’s 8th birthday. God, how I wish she were here. Would my life be different somehow?
Would my family NOT be attacking me from all sides like it is their job[s]??!!
I am not making this up—the other day I went to eat at a restaurant with Lilly for lunch on our way back from getting some groceries, and a woman befriended us who happened to be the only other patron of the place at the time.
I kept up conversation with her (not that I had a choice, really), as she lamented about better days, and how she was stuck with her abusive, elderly mother now, with no company at all. Then she started complaining about the new housekeeper. This snobby woman who she had to pay to take her places like the hardware store, and who treated her like garbage and did nothing but complain of her stupid, drug-addicted sister who had lost all of her children due to her terrible, terrible choices…..
Guess who the housekeeper was?
My twin sister.
And all of this unfolded RIGHT in front of LILLY.
Way to go—people who are supposedly setting the standard for how I’M supposed to live—HA!
So, I have to wonder–If my children hadn’t died, if I hadn’t fallen off the deep end despite my very best efforts not to, if they had never abandoned me and then turned around and attacked me…..
All of it seems to have to do with fault in their minds, who’s to blame.
Well, I want to say, who is to blame? You people are living in the past, you refuse to get psychological help for yourselves, you are STILL sitting around talking about ME all of the Goddamned time…I mean–FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!
The horrible, horrible irony in this whole thing is that I have been the one slogging and screaming and wading through memories that I never wanted to encounter again and seeking and searching for these treatments for PTSD and then undergoing the thought reprocessing, the emotional relieving, all of the things that I have been through and all of the things that I never wanted to relive, I DID IT!!
I did it because I was terrified.
I was terrified when I got pregnant with the twins, that I would go through the same sort of torture, the wakeful horrors, the nightmares, the auditory, visual, and TACTILE HALLUCINATIONS that I had when I had Lilly. that the second I decided to keep the pregnancy, I also decided that I was going to do EVERYTHING I COULD so that these children would have a whole, fit Mother.
And I did.
But here lies the problem:
When You Put People In Charge That Aren’t Required To Have The Slightest Bit Of Good Sense (but theeeeeeey have alotofmoneyandtheylookreallygoodonpaperandthey’veneverbeenintroublewiththelawsomustbe………..TheeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrTHE GuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuD Peeple….. RIGHT??) And The Judge In Town Is A Conservative Extremely Religious (Oh His Daddy Is The Preacher At The Gospel Tabernacle Here In Town And Dictates His Core Values) Republican Who Thinks That Most Of These Drug Addicted Sluts Should Just Go To Jail And That Men Should Rule The World…….well then this is what happens.
I told my father yesterday that I didn’t know how he slept at night, keeping those boys from me, especially on Thanksgiving!
Loudly So He Wouldn’t Hear Anything Else I Was Saying (They’re allergic to feelings like Guilt, these people), “OKAY JESS, I’LL TALKTAYALATERTHENOKAY?BYE!”
At least I got to spend most of the day with my little girl here on Earth.