Well, Court went like it usually does when you don’t have a lawyer–ya get steamrolled and are left at the end crumpled in a pile of tears. At least that’s how the last two hearings went. Today, the hearing was about Lil and when I’m allowed to see her. Tuesday’s from 4:15pm till 6:45pm, and Saturdays from 10am-3pm. At my mothers house. Awesome. Six and one-half hours per week of supervised visitation.
God. I am just heartbroken.
Even with me throwing paperwork at the over and over about how there are NO drugs in my system and how I GO to my mental health appointments, and that I TAKE my medication as directed….I mean–what the fuck do they want??? Ugh, somebody have mercy on me.
Much Gratitude to those who do who are reading and donating–it literally means the world to me. My children were my world. I don’t know how to function without them. This is like a death, three more deaths, such loss, over and over again, but this time it’s not God who is taking them, it’s my Mother–my own Mother!
Because she’s mad about what I “Put Her Through.”
Like her first two grandchildren dying and then her daughter attempting and then failing and living a “normal” life afterward. Trying and failing, but keeping GETTING UP and TRYING AGAIN, over, and over, and over.
Sorry MOM. Sorry I got stuck in “YOUR” town and therefore people (like you) gossip and make up ridiculous and horrifying stories based on nothing but speculation, with nothing based on real fact or experience.
Sorry that was hard for YOU.
And Mike, who hates me because I left him, so I have to bear these punishments over and over and over again.
I woke up this morning after a dream where Lilly told me she was afraid, and so I talked her through all of her fears, and then we hugged, and she said that she felt better. And then I woke up and reached for her because it was SO real that I thought it was real, the sound of her voice, her pretty blue eyes…..they were always my favorite thing to wake up to when she would crawl in and snuggle with me and say, “It’s morning, Mommy.” And I would ask her if the boys were awake and usually they weren’t, so we would snuggle and talk about what our plans were for the day. And then we would laugh about each others “Crazy Hair” and “Dragon Breath” and then well, I guess it’s time to get the boys up and what do you want for breakfast, hon?
We always had “Mommy Talks” before she went to bed, and I would lay with her and we would take turns each night creating a story–first–pick a magical animal or being, like a unicorn or fairy, then name it, and then describe how beautiful and wonderful they were, but then, they had to have a challenge–something that was missing, or something they had to find in order to complete themselves or help another. So they would have a great adventure, through The Scary Scary Woods, where–even though it was kind of scary and dark, they met helpers along the way, and then there were sometimes tall mountains and even oceans to cross…..until they finally found what they were looking for.
And then there would be rejoicing and singing and dancing and gratitude in all of the new friends they had met along the way! A wonderful rumpus with music and friendship. Sometimes we had to remind each other to whisper, because we would get so excited that our voices might wake the boys.
And then, after the wonderful ending, she and I would kiss good night, and we would talk briefly about tomorrow, and the fun things we were going to do…….then I would go downstairs and feel such happiness, such peace and joy, that my children were all safe with me and content and that we knew that the future was not a scary place to go…….that’s the kind of Mom I am. The kind that wants my children to always feel safe, loved, strong, and protected.
And then yes, sometimes, I would feel so celebratory that I would relish in the silence of three wonderful, beautiful, amazing and smart children with the whole world in front of them, and I would think to myself in the peace and the calm of the home I created for them, that it would be a perfect time for a light cocktail and some writing about things I have learned, blessings I have found, and knowledge that I can give. Sometimes that happened.
And I never realized, that in doing that, I was a danger to children and unfit to be a Mother. Never crossed my mind.
What do you think?